Weren't You Loved?
by MimixIshidax
Summary: And he wished he had carved her name into the bullet, so everyone would know she was the last thing to go through his mind.


You Were Loved  
><em>A Mimato One shot<em>

-x-

_I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad  
><em>_Dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had  
><em>_I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take  
><em>_When people run in circles  
><em>_It's a very, very…mad world, mad world._

-x-

He sat there, paper pages thrown around the room, pictures cluttered at his feet, the bed unmade and bare, bottles strewn across the floor. And he was the center of it all, the mess that mirrored the inner turmoil he had gotten so used to.

He was a destructive force, an unmanageable fire, a terrible hazard. A danger to himself more than anyone else. Because his nature caused him to push most everyone away before they got close enough to be burned. He always knew he wasn't worth the trouble or effort and today just proved it.

He lost the one thing that had ever meant anything to him and today she would never come back. Today made it official. Today, he really was…nothing.

His phone was the only thing he didn't break and that was just so he could hear her voice one last time.

So he dialed and he waited.

When she didn't answer, he repeated it.

Again.

Again.

Again.

And on the seventh time, her groggy voice floated in on the other side.

"Matt?" She asked in that sweet raspy tone that was so just hers.

He felt the faintest smile twitch at the corners of his mouth.

She was perfect, and he fucked it all up.

"Mimi." He uttered just two syllables, her name, the one word that held more meaning to him than any other.

"Are you okay?"

And he gave a dry laugh, because she asked a loaded question with out even knowing it.

He toyed with the cool metal object in his lap.

"Not really." He slurred.

"You're drunk."

Her tone was unimpressed at best, and at worse she was completely disappointed.

But that was nothing knew, he was sure of that. He had been disappointing her for years. Since the first time he met her, really. He cursed the day he met her, he would not even think of it now.

"Nothing better to do. Not like you're around." And he didn't mean to be crude, he didn't call her to just to be cold. But it was his nature and he could barely control it.

He heard her give a long sigh. "I'm gonna go back to bed, okay?" She tried to sound as patient as she could, he could hear it in her voice. "I'll call you in the morning?" She sounded hesitant.

And he didn't believe she would, but he did not blame her either.

"No, no. I'm sorry." For everything, really. He couldn't begin to apologize to her enough, because the list would never end.

"For what?"

And he knew he couldn't answer that efficiently enough, not in this state, maybe not ever. "For being who I am." He said flatly.

"Matt, don't do this."

"What, Mimi? It's true." He snorted. "I've got, got…nothing. I had you, and I, I even loved you, Mimi. Mimi, I _loved _you. How did I do that? How did I love you? And _you_, _you_ loved _me_? Didn't you? You loved me somehow, Mimi. You saw all the shitty stuff I did, but you loved me. How, how come you can't anymore…Mimi? Huh?" Everything was turned around, jumbled up and completely unintelligible.

There was so much he wanted to say to her, but he just couldn't find the words.

"I did love you, Matt." She sounded reassuring, as if she actually meant it.

"And now?"

"I still love you, I probably always will."

He really hoped she wasn't fucking with him. "Will you come here? Come back, Mimi." He was begging and he didn't care.

She was silent.

"I can't." She finally said. "I love you, Matt. But it isn't enough anymore."

And there it was, the truth that he never could handle. Because even in the most cynical part of his mind, he had the tiniest sliver of hope that she would come back.

Maybe it was because she had, so many times before, that when she left this time, he did not fight very hard to get her back. He took her forgiving nature for granted. He never did appreciate her grace. He assumed she would always be around, so he never put her before anything.

He had become so comfortable in world where she put him before everything else in her entire life.

He was so stuck on himself, he didn't notice her pulling away.

And now, it was too late.

"I saw the paper today." He said hopelessly.

"And?"

"You're marrying him?"

"I am."

She wasn't ashamed of it.

"You're not coming back, are you?"

He never sounded more lost than he did in that moment. It was as if everything around him had come to a screeching halt the moment his eyes fell on that god forsaken engagement announcement.

He heard her soft breathing on the other side, almost see the tears in the corners of her eyes. He was hurting her again.

He always managed to do that, somehow.

"I'm not." her voice was strangled and hitched.

His eyes fell on it again, the salvation in his lap.

Just a little bit longer.

"Then this is good bye."

"Matt…I…" She didn't finish it.

He shook his head. "Don't cry for me, Mimi. Don't do it anymore, I'm not worth it." He said humorlessly. "I'm letting you go now, baby. I hope you're happy." He'd never sounded more tender or honest than he did in that moment.

"Matt. Tell me you'll be okay."

So he brought himself to lie to her, one last time, because it was what she needed. "I'll be okay, pretty girl." He promised her.

He was wasting the last of his endearments on her so she would remember him just a little sweeter than before.

"Matt." She was almost sobbing now. "Just get some sleep, Matt. You'll be fine in the morning." And just who was she trying to convince?

"Right, right." he murmured, fingering the trigger.

She sucked in a shaky breath. "Please don't do something reckless?" She knew his nature all to well, she knew what he was capable of.

And she prayed to anyone who would listen to get him through the night.

"Only for you."

"Promise me." She begged.

"Don't worry about me." He said passively. "Get to bed, you're going to need to look pretty tomorrow." But she always did. Like a doll.

She was always so perfect. So fragile.

So damn breakable.

"I love you…Mimi." He breathed into the receiver. "If you remember anything about me, please remember that." He didn't mean to sound morbid, but the hour did call for it.

"Matt, baby. Listen to me, you're just drunk, you're going to be fine. Please, please don't do anything stupid."

Here she was, getting worked up for no reason. To him, it was almost adorable. Almost like she still cared.

But who was he kidding? Of course she cared, she cared about everyone. It was who she was. He was the one that didn't care, especially about her. Isn't that what drove her away in the first place?

"Go to bed, Mimi. I'm sorry I woke you."

"Matt, no, no. Just stay on the line—

"I love you, Mimi." he repeated just because the words felt nice rolling off the tip of his tongue.

So nice.

"Matt, listen to me. I'm gonna call Sora, she'll come over there—

"Goodbye, Mimi."

"Don't do this. Please don't—

The line went dead.

He put his phone beside him, taking the foreign object in his lap into both hands.

It had belonged to his grandfather, the man had quite expensive taste for artillery and cigars. The one in his hand was a nine millimeter, a beauty to behold. Shiny and black, simple, metallic, but gorgeous.

She felt nice too, smooth and new.

For some reason, it reminded him of Mimi. He didn't question it though, most everything reminded him of Mimi.

Mimi…

His mind floated back to the fated day he met her. And for a few seconds, he let himself relive it.

It was painful, but he embraced it.

_It was his seventeenth summer in this town, nothing had changed. Seasons came and went like people and there wasn't much left around here to surprise him. _

_Until the day he happened to take a walk along the riverbank and saw something he would never forget._

_She was a sight to behold, long chestnut hair in soft waves along her back, hazel eyes and rosy cheeks, creamy skin and tanned legs. _

_Perfection. _

_She was sitting with her chin on her knees, her arms wrapped around them. A pensive look on her face. _

"_You lost?" _

_And she shook her head with out even looking up. _

"_What are you doing here then?" He lit a cigarette between his lips. _

_She shrugged a shoulder. "Thinking." _

_He took a drag. "I've never seen you before." _

"_And me, you." She said, a little dreamily. _

_Finally, she got to her feet, bridging the gap between them. _

"_You're beautiful." He said, unabashedly. _

_She just threw her head back and laughed. _

_It was beautiful too. _

_She took the cigarette from between his lips and put it between her bow shaped, red ones. "You know what they say about that, though? It's only skin deep." She let smoke out in his face._

_No one had ever dared to do that before. _

_She put it back in his mouth. "Lucky for you, I only care about being skin deep." It wasn't one his more smoother lines._

_And she noticed. "That made no sense." She said with a grin. "But lucky for you, I don't care about anything." She winked._

_He put a bold hand on her hip, "What's your name?" _

_She gave a light giggle. "Ask me tomorrow." _

They had such promise then. Where did it all go?

-x-

He needed her, she could feel it. She knew him better than anyone could ever hope to. And tonight, tonight, he was in really bad shape. She knew leaving her apartment, her fiancé still sleeping in their bed, it would have serious repercussions in the morning.

But that was the thing about Yamato Ishida, when it came down to him, she never did care. She'd give up the world for him, in a heartbeat. Even when she knew it was absolutely insane to do so.

Tonight was different though. Tonight was quite literally a battle between life and death, she could feel it.

So when she got in her car at three am, she tried to brace herself for being too late. Because she was really afraid of the state she would be in if she was.

So she didn't think about it. Instead, she thought about her life with him.

The day she moved her things into his apartment, three years ago…

"_You've got a lot of stuff here." He grunted, carrying a particularly heavy box into the living room._

_She merely shrugged. "It's not even all of it." She reminded him._

_He set the box down at her feet. "Of course not." He sighed. "For such a small girl, you sure have a lot of things." _

"_For such a big man, you sure do complain a lot." _

_He gave her a small grin. "Sharp tongue." _

"_Always." _

"_It'll get you into trouble one day."_

"_Hasn't yet." _

"_Oh no?" He raised his eyebrows._

_And she shook her head. _

_In one swift motion, her grabbed her off the coffee table and had her over his shoulder. _

"_Let go." She squealed as his free hand tickled her side._

_He carried her into the bedroom, her laughter resonating through the cozy apartment that was currently cluttered with boxes and suitcases._

_He dropped her on the bed, the only thing that was vacant._

"_Ah, so this was your master plan all along, was it?" She quirked an eyebrow. _

_He gave a short laugh. "Figured it out, have you?" He laid beside her. _

"_Yes, and you are devious. First you coerce me into your apartment, then carry me into your bedroom. I know what your intentions are." _

"_Please, enlighten me. You know I love it when you talk dirty." _

_She laughed, her hands over her stomach. "You've got plans to take advantage of me, don't you." She turned to her side, propping her head on her hand. _

"_Many times, in fact." He slid his hand under the hem of her shirt for emphasis. _

_She felt his fingers trail along her skin, shivering under his touch. "Well…get on with it then." She gave him a wicked grin. _

_He chuckled. "So impatient…" _

"_Such a tease…" _

_He brought his lips over hers. "But there are so many boxes." His whispered across them._

_She just laughed. "And they'll be there when we're done." She kissed him. _

_-_x-

He wished he would have carved her name into the bullet, that way everyone would know she was the last thing going through his mind.

Mimi…

_Six months ago…_

"_How could you?"_

_It was just a question. She didn't raise her voice, it was shaking too much for that. She didn't scream, she didn't have it in her. She didn't throw anything at him, she was far to scared she might hit him. And she didn't blink away the tears that had pooled in her eyes. _

_Because he was used to them by now._

_He didn't have an answer. So he kept him mouth shut._

_She shook her head. "After everything…Matt, really? This is how far we've fallen?" _

"_It didn't mean anything."_

_That was probably the last thing he should have said. _

"_Didn't you think of me at all? Did you think I'd never find out?" She demanded._

_He wasn't foolish enough to think such a thing. He knew she was going to find out and he knew he would lose her because of this._

_He was fully prepared and completely aware._

_There wasn't a day he didn't regret the choice he made and he knew he would have to atone for it till the day he died. _

"_I'm sorry." _

_She just nodded her, mascara smeared under her eyes. "Me too." She sucked back a sob. _

"_I forgave it all for you, Yamato. The missed dates, the nights alone, the fights…" She recounted sadly._

"_But I won't do infidelity." Her voice was stronger than it had ever been before. She was done. And it was for real this time. _

"_Mimi…please. It was a mistake, I wasn't thinking straight. It was over three months ago and she was just some girl, I never thought that—_

"_This is it, Matt." She interrupted him. "I'm leaving. And no excuse in the world can stop me." It was the first time Matt had ever heard Mimi sound emotionless._

_It rendered him speechless. _

"_I hope every time you think of me, you think of this moment. I hope you relive watching me walk out of that door every day for the rest of your life, Matt. Because that's exactly what you deserve." _

She had gotten her wish. Every night since he saw the same scene unfolding before him, he was powerless to stop her, every time. Each day he saw her, walking out of the damn door, and each day he was forced to accept she would never come back.

So he did the thing he had wanted to do the moment she walked out of his life.

Taking all of him with her.

-x-

She heard it from outside of the door, the sound was loud and deafening. There was nothing it could be mistaken for, no lie she could feed herself. It was exactly what it sounded like but still, she refused accept it.

She heard herself scream as she threw open the door. She ran as fast as she could, praying and praying she had come in time. She had to have. He couldn't do this to her.

But he did…

She was too late.

He was gone.

_Everything that I said I'd do  
><em>_Like make the world brand new  
><em>_And take the time for you  
><em>_I thought of you and where you'd gone  
><em>_And let the world spin madly on_

-x-

**A/N:** Uh…I apologize for this. Shitty life events and being on my period leads to one shots like this…

Read at your own risk?

Reviews would be great, but I'm not expecting them. This is more morbid than I have ever cared to be. If you guys can't exactly handle it, I don't blame you. I feel a little weird even posting this coz it's so raw.

**Song Creds:  
><strong>_World Spins Madly on_—**The Weepies  
><strong>_Mad World—_**Gary Jules**


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